Dolly Parton: The Best Person To Have Ever Lived.

(Originally published in Attitude)

When I was in School, we had a thought for the week which was supposed to inspire us. If I were a teacher there today every single one of these would be drawn from My Life And Other Unfinished Business by Dolly Parton. Dolly is both my number one role model and my ultimate fantasy glamour-nana. In fact, I would happily swap her for any of my living relatives, bar my mother, who I've always had a soft spot for.

Her book contains all sorts of unbeatable advice, such as to chew food, but not swallow it (“what’s more disgusting? Spitting out food, or being a lardass?”) and fascinating accounts of her younger brother substituting a cow’s teet for his cock in order to get a blowwie from a calf. It’s basically as incredible a read as befits such a glorious woman.

Whenever I imagine meeting Dolly (which I do with almost alarming frequency) I envisage it being like the scene in The Wizard Of Oz where everything changes from black and white to colour. She’s just so joyous. And so wise! When I was 19 I took myself off to Dollywood in Tennessee. Every part of my pilgrimage was awe-inspiring, including a chance encounter en route with an old lady who worked in a florists and went to school with Dolly in the olden days. I asked her if the other children knew that Dolly would become such a big star, and she told me “we didn’t, but she did.” Isn’t that wonderful? It’s Dolly’s brand of blind hope that has steered me through many uncomfortable dates (“why are you crying?”), ill-judged initiatives (I once unsuccessfully tried to make Russell Tovey fall in love with me just by standing next to him while he carried on a conversation with someone else) and my various attempts to befriend Ginger Spice.

Frankly, the news that Dolly will be releasing a new album and touring Europe this summer has filled me with the kind of euphoria usually reserved for religious epiphanies and opiate users. Happiness seems as fundamental to Dolly’s being as tastelessness is to Ke$ha’s, and for her fans that is infectious. But as they know, she isn’t all sweetness and light, and has written over 3,000 songs spanning the full spectrum from life-affirming to claw out your own wind-pipe depressing. My favourite at the moment is called Mountain Angel and is about a girl, loved by her whole community of mountain dwellers, who falls for an enigmatic man that turns out to be Satan. Bummer. He gets her pregnant, then abandons her. Her baby dies, as do her doting parents (from broken hearts) and she takes to the wild; becomes a nudist, then a witch - and finally dies lying next to the baby’s grave. The trauma doesn’t end there though, as her mournful wails are heard forever more. Brilliant. You just don’t get that kind of pathos from Taio Cruz, do you?

More Dolly here.

A Meeting With Destiny (Geri Halliwell)

When I got an invitation to the launch of Geri's swimwear collection for Next I was, naturally, extremely excited. The launch was taking place over breakfast at The Savoy, and Geri had laid on a lovely spread (she must have been up half the night, bless her) with salmon bagels and eggs benedict (which I didn't eat) and a variety of pastries, muffins and fruit salad kebabs (which I did eat). There was even something that tasted like yakult served in shot glasses.

A woman who was something to do with Next came on and excitedly exclaimed that Geri had once worked as a Saturday girl in Next, so it made perfect sense for her to now have collaborated with them for the collection. I didn't want to dampen the nice woman's enthusiasm, but if Victoria Beckham had applied this logic to her label, she'd have designed it in partnership with her mum's friend's wedding dress shop . Just sayin'. The Next woman also flagged up the fact that Geri is a UN Ambassador, which I liked, because sometimes I feel like people forget this, which is a shame as it's one of my favourite Geri facts.

Finally Geri was on the mic and spoke at a rate of two words a second about how sometimes she's fat and sometimes she's thin and how either way she likes to look good in a bikini (fair enough). Then she said something about how every woman wants to feel that they look great, and if men agree then that's a bonus (everyone tittered at this as if she'd said something super raunchy which I found quite odd and annoying). I don't think Geri had spent long rehearsing her speech as when she finished she took a sideways glance at the Next PR and then announced "that's it."


(UN Ambassador Geri Halliwell)

When it came to the catwalk I was slightly disappointed that Geri had resisted the temptation to model every piece herself. I also didn't find any of it very nice I'm afraid, but luckily for Next I don't think I'm their target market. They also missed a trick by using music other than Mi Chico Latino, which seemed like a missed opportunity, although they did play some album tracks from Geri's third release afterwards.


(You can tell that Geri is a seasoned professional because her eyes are always trained on the camera)

During the meet and greet I was pleased that Geri remembered me from the other couple of times that we've met, although there was a slightly embarrassing moment when her PA also remembered me, and during our chat I mentioned the magazine I worked for and she responded with "Oh, you're Press, I wondered how you'd got in here." Awkward.


(I never look very good when I have my picture taken with Geri. I think the weight of my expectation makes me tense.)

When it was my turn to speak to Geri I ignored the bikinis and instead asked her about her rumoured fourth album. She said it was definitely happening, but wasn't allowed to say anymore (I'm very intrigued to find out what will happen with this) Then she gave me a goodie bag which included my new office in-tray...



And a £50 voucher for Next. I couldn't find anything I liked so I bought these, because you can never have too many socks.



You can read a piece by Liz Jones (another of my favourite women) where Geri talks about the collection here. My favourite quote is "I went to see Lady Gaga in concert, and we saw each other backstage and it was really nice because there wasn’t anybody else around, and she said, “You know, Geri, you really inspired me, I really tuned in to what you stood for”. I also like, "She tells me the people at Next offered to airbrush the photos. ‘I said, “Don’t airbrush them." Here is one of the pictures for your reference: